I had it planned for June 14th. I had gotten my "affairs" in order, bought a new car for my son to drive after I was dead and asked my Heavenly Father for His help one last time. For months I couldn't eat, had no energy, alternated between hot flashes and cold chills, my skin hurt, I had isolated myself from the rest of the world, stopped going to church and my body was in constant pain. My mind had turned against me telling me how there was no hope against my breast cancer; I was in the cycle of depression and anxiety convinced that I would be better off dead. What did I have to live for? My rational mind told me that my grown son and my grandbabies loved me and I'd be an arrogant ass to leave them behind but then my "stinking thinking" couldn't come up with one good reason to keep living. What could I possibly do for them?
I was tired of shaking, vomiting, pain where my breasts had been-yes, phantom pain is real and my intrusive thoughts tortured me from the minute I woke up until I could self-medicate and go to sleep. I was being evicted from my home of sixteen years because of the financial burden cancer brings and in my mind, I had nowhere to go. I also tried to come up with one reason...just one....to "stay" but couldn't. I had even reverted back to my "cutting" days but even I saw that was useless. The endorphins that are released after self-harm seemed to have left me too and I felt hopeless. I had even convinced myself that God was trying to tell me that I had been through enough and He wanted me to "come home."
The morning of June 14th, I woke up and decided that if I was going to be banished from Heaven for committing suicide, I needed to make one last effort at staying live so I called my doctor. I told his nurse that I didn't want to live anymore and I needed their help. She told me to come to their office ASAP and they'd help me through this crisis. It took every ounce of energy I had to drive to their office and major self-talk to get there fully convinced that they'd just tell me to "get over it." But they didn't. They saved my life.
After a brief exam and assessment, I was transported to a local ER where it was determined that I had various infections, medication reactions, dehydration and so on. Admitted and treated for my physical condition, I was transferred to an inpatient behavioral center where for the next ten days, I got the mental help I needed, meds and all. Unbeknownst to me, my son had moved me in with his family, provided me a safe place to live upon discharge and found out how this situation had happened in the first place.
The day I was supposed to die turned into the first day of recovery for me physically and mentally. I learned how to "get out of my own way," eat, exercise, meditate, journal, be around people again and read books like "Excuses Begone" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It is a long process and a demanding one because changing the way you "have always been" requires you to change your thinking thus changing your brain. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
The great news is that I am 100% cancer-free, I take my medications as prescribed, walk daily, attend a neighborhood support group and am surrounded by family and grandbabies. Some days are still more difficult than others but I have learned how to combat intrusive thoughts, the "voices in my head" and destructive "urges" for lack of a better term. I am physically stronger and have rejoined Life. I was even recommended and accepted into the "Remote Area Medical" organization created by the legendary Stan Brock enabling me to "give back" to those far more desperate than I.
Readers, you know I really didn't want to die that day--I just wanted the pain to stop. For the most part, it has. I have a new normal, am blogging again and trying to live life to the fullest even though at times it's from one day at a time to one breath at a time.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Monday, May 8, 2017
Notice of Eviction
Today at 4:35p.m. a police officer who I've known most of my life had the task of delivering eviction papers to me. He said he had at least twenty more to hand out because the new owners wanted as many of us out as fast as possible. I understand business and how sometimes a "chosen few" must give up their homes for something called immanent domain. As a Native American, I should've seen this coming when the new owners bought the place. It's the 2017 edition of the "Trail of Tears." They bought the place the last of March and wasted no time getting their new property "in order."
As a renter, I pretty much knew I could be kicked out at any moment but living here nearly seventeen years and my breast cancer diagnosis gave a me false sense of security. "They wouldn't put a cancer patient out of her home, right? They'd at least give me thirty days, right?" NOPE! But I do understand..it's business.
The new owners want to build a townhouse/apartment complex here. It's their right...they paid a reported "million 5" for the property. Unfortunately, I thought I'd have time to look for another home instead of living in my car but legendary comic Steve Harvey says he had to live in his automobile...and look how successful he is! lol
To stay in my home, I was to pay the normal $425 in rent. The new manager came by--with a receipt book but refused to take my money. First, she couldn't take cash anymore--ok. Secondly, she couldn't even take a check, ok. She said they could only take money orders but it was "too late" and she'd only come by to make sure I knew the new owners were taking me to court. Got it. I accept it. What choice do I have? It's business.
My oncologist sent a letter documenting my "multiple medical problems including ongoing cancer treatments, etc., and is of the opinion that she not be removed from her home for at least six weeks." That would give me until June 15th. The letter goes into further details but I do not think it will help. As it stands now, I continue to look for another home but seven days isn't enough time; I have no family to take me in nor a place for my medical equipment. But what is really hurting my heart is since I can neither sell nor give her away, my nine year old chihuahua "Julie" will have to go to the only shelter around here...and it is a kill shelter. Suddenly, living in my car doesn't seem so bad. "Julie" is getting me through breast cancer...maybe I can get her through this eviction. She's my business.
As a renter, I pretty much knew I could be kicked out at any moment but living here nearly seventeen years and my breast cancer diagnosis gave a me false sense of security. "They wouldn't put a cancer patient out of her home, right? They'd at least give me thirty days, right?" NOPE! But I do understand..it's business.
The new owners want to build a townhouse/apartment complex here. It's their right...they paid a reported "million 5" for the property. Unfortunately, I thought I'd have time to look for another home instead of living in my car but legendary comic Steve Harvey says he had to live in his automobile...and look how successful he is! lol
To stay in my home, I was to pay the normal $425 in rent. The new manager came by--with a receipt book but refused to take my money. First, she couldn't take cash anymore--ok. Secondly, she couldn't even take a check, ok. She said they could only take money orders but it was "too late" and she'd only come by to make sure I knew the new owners were taking me to court. Got it. I accept it. What choice do I have? It's business.
My oncologist sent a letter documenting my "multiple medical problems including ongoing cancer treatments, etc., and is of the opinion that she not be removed from her home for at least six weeks." That would give me until June 15th. The letter goes into further details but I do not think it will help. As it stands now, I continue to look for another home but seven days isn't enough time; I have no family to take me in nor a place for my medical equipment. But what is really hurting my heart is since I can neither sell nor give her away, my nine year old chihuahua "Julie" will have to go to the only shelter around here...and it is a kill shelter. Suddenly, living in my car doesn't seem so bad. "Julie" is getting me through breast cancer...maybe I can get her through this eviction. She's my business.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Cancer Will Make Me Homeless
When you hear those words, "You have breast cancer" you look for anything and everything to make you feel better. You face the fear of death, chemo, the effects of chemo, the loss of "your girls" and the fear of the unknown. But the one thing you don't fear is losing your home. I'm there now.
OK, cancer is a catastrophic disease. We know that. What we don't know is just how limited the financial help is out there. If anyone needs financial security, it's cancer victims.
I have lived in the same home for nearly sixteen years. I raised my children in this home choosing to rent instead of own because I am NOT able to fix the things that tend to go wrong in a home. Renting, paying on time and being a "good tenant" is the best thing to do...gives you credibility. Well...
When I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, I found the best professionals to care for me, my mind and soul what didn't happen was the financial care and advice I was led to believe would be there. Then my area sold to a company in North Carolina and suddenly, I was notified I'd need to pay $425.00 regular rent and then another $400.00 by the fifth of May or they would start "legal proceedings to have me evicted." In fact, the new manager came by last night to "collect."
Suddenly, the $425.00 I had wasn't enough. The entire $825.00 was required by tomorrow...May 5th, or I would quote, "need to start getting my shit together and get out."
I am still in treatment, bald and now broken hearted because one of my biggest fears has always been that one day someone would come to my home and say "Get out!" That day has come.
I literally have nowhere to go. My sons live pretty far away and their "significant others" DO NOT want me moving in no matter how temporarily it would be. There are no homeless shelters in my area and the worst hurts have been "radio silence" from my sons and a refusal of help from my church. Adding insult to injury, all I really need is $250 and all will be well. The problem is all my remaining cancer bills...as I call them have now been paid leaving me with just enough to pay the electricity bill. I never thought the $425.00 I had would be refused and they WILL not wait for June when my finances finally start getting back to normal.
Friends are gone, my faith is shattered and I'm trying to borrow the $250 from various loan places who tell me "they can't take the chance." Also, there is no sympathy for a breast cancer patient about to be thrown out of her home. At least I can live in my car...til June 3rd...my next payday.
Sisters...and brothers, pray for me as I go through the hardest part of my recovery. No, I won't be able to buy my meds but I'll survive. No, I won't have a home...but I'll survive. Just in case I on't, I have lived a wonderfully adventurous life, became an ICU/RN and just because I'm one of the few that fell through the cracks, I've met YOU! Any and all readers...pray for cancer patients, pray for me and take care of yourselves and those you love.
Don't pity me...learn from and pray for me, too!!
Love and Peace
Dyane
OK, cancer is a catastrophic disease. We know that. What we don't know is just how limited the financial help is out there. If anyone needs financial security, it's cancer victims.
I have lived in the same home for nearly sixteen years. I raised my children in this home choosing to rent instead of own because I am NOT able to fix the things that tend to go wrong in a home. Renting, paying on time and being a "good tenant" is the best thing to do...gives you credibility. Well...
When I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, I found the best professionals to care for me, my mind and soul what didn't happen was the financial care and advice I was led to believe would be there. Then my area sold to a company in North Carolina and suddenly, I was notified I'd need to pay $425.00 regular rent and then another $400.00 by the fifth of May or they would start "legal proceedings to have me evicted." In fact, the new manager came by last night to "collect."
Suddenly, the $425.00 I had wasn't enough. The entire $825.00 was required by tomorrow...May 5th, or I would quote, "need to start getting my shit together and get out."
I am still in treatment, bald and now broken hearted because one of my biggest fears has always been that one day someone would come to my home and say "Get out!" That day has come.
I literally have nowhere to go. My sons live pretty far away and their "significant others" DO NOT want me moving in no matter how temporarily it would be. There are no homeless shelters in my area and the worst hurts have been "radio silence" from my sons and a refusal of help from my church. Adding insult to injury, all I really need is $250 and all will be well. The problem is all my remaining cancer bills...as I call them have now been paid leaving me with just enough to pay the electricity bill. I never thought the $425.00 I had would be refused and they WILL not wait for June when my finances finally start getting back to normal.
Friends are gone, my faith is shattered and I'm trying to borrow the $250 from various loan places who tell me "they can't take the chance." Also, there is no sympathy for a breast cancer patient about to be thrown out of her home. At least I can live in my car...til June 3rd...my next payday.
Sisters...and brothers, pray for me as I go through the hardest part of my recovery. No, I won't be able to buy my meds but I'll survive. No, I won't have a home...but I'll survive. Just in case I on't, I have lived a wonderfully adventurous life, became an ICU/RN and just because I'm one of the few that fell through the cracks, I've met YOU! Any and all readers...pray for cancer patients, pray for me and take care of yourselves and those you love.
Don't pity me...learn from and pray for me, too!!
Love and Peace
Dyane
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
The Big Surprise
Are you fucking kidding me?" I was stunned, heartsick and I realized my career would once again be put on hold! After all the certifications, fees spent for nursing dues, educational classes and everything else I could do to start my nursing career all over again---cancer struck m down. Not just cancer...Stage 3 cancer with lymph node involvement.
I knew what it meant and I knew what it COULD mean. Seemed like life was going to end a little too early for me.
More on that later but PLEASE don't take any day, life or breath for granted. We aren't owed anything and we weren't promised tomorrow.
I knew what it meant and I knew what it COULD mean. Seemed like life was going to end a little too early for me.
More on that later but PLEASE don't take any day, life or breath for granted. We aren't owed anything and we weren't promised tomorrow.
Monday, May 1, 2017
What I Never Knew About Cancer
Everyone is terrified of those three little words, "you have cancer." I went thru this in June of 2014. The worse part of it was I had decided to return to nursing. I had raised my children, I was an empty-nester so why not? I had kept up with all the CEU's, the certifications like ACLS, Basic Life Support so it wasn't a big deal, right?
Armed in my left hand were all the papers needed to be an active RN again. But in my right had was the remote control. Unfortunately, the remote changed my life forever.
I turned the TV to our local affiliate which runs a breast cancer awareness program. It's called "Buddy Check Day." The idea behind it is to call your buddy on the tent of every month and tell them to do their monthly breast exam. I didn't have a buddy but thought "what the hell...I can play with my tatas a second. What happened later devastated me.
I discovered a lump in my right breast and went to the doctor only to discover I was in stage 3 breast cancer with lymph node involvement. 5 of the 6 axillary lymph nodes were positive for cancer and I was heart broken.
Nobody in my family had cancer. The most we ever had was hypertension or anxiety. I had to set a record and go for the "Big-C."
What I didn't know was that the American Cancer Society sends you boxes and boxes of reading materials, stuffed hearts to keep your breasts from chaffing when using your seatbelt and a bunch of numbers that unfortunately are out of date.
I also didn't know how repelling a diagnosis of breast cancer is. Most of my "friends" ha better things to do that hang around with me...it was as if they thought breast cancer was contagious. My favorite reason given for no longer being around me was "I jus can't take the sight of how much pain you're and all the chemo and radiation you'll have to endure." Some friend, right?
I decided to have the radical double mastectomy. No sense in having only one breast. Take them both! It was no big del for me even though I had sported 38DD's my entire adult life. Oh well, it was either them or me! Snip! Snip!!
The chemotherapy was a lot worse because I went thru it all alone at approximately 3:15a.m. with no one around to style my newly bald head and wipe away my tears. But I got through it. Stiff upper lip and all that. I had hats, wigs and scarves at the ready so no one saw me as "Cue Ball." I can be blone, brunette or a redhead depending on my mood and luckily---I look pretty good as each though I'm partial to my long blond wigs.
I also have a beautiful set of boobies that are as real as the ones I lost. May no mistake, cancer treatment is hell. I have to take a hormone for the next ten years before I can be classified as "cured" and I plan to live each one of those ten years until God takes me Home.
Some treatments are harsh and some usually male oncologists are even harsher. While it's a job to some, it is another person's life work who take it upon themselves to practice the most sincere form of empathy. I thank God for each of them. They made it worth going through...as if I had choice.
I still have a while to go and a few more small mountains to climb but I'll be one of the millions of BREAST CANCER SURVIVORS in the world. JOYOUS LORD!!
Any questions or if you just want a new friend write me at
Dyane Lody
220 Monday Rd
Suite 6
Corryton, TN 37721
I hope to eventually use this blog as a question/answer forum with nothing off limits!
Praise God
Dyane Lody
Armed in my left hand were all the papers needed to be an active RN again. But in my right had was the remote control. Unfortunately, the remote changed my life forever.
I turned the TV to our local affiliate which runs a breast cancer awareness program. It's called "Buddy Check Day." The idea behind it is to call your buddy on the tent of every month and tell them to do their monthly breast exam. I didn't have a buddy but thought "what the hell...I can play with my tatas a second. What happened later devastated me.
I discovered a lump in my right breast and went to the doctor only to discover I was in stage 3 breast cancer with lymph node involvement. 5 of the 6 axillary lymph nodes were positive for cancer and I was heart broken.
Nobody in my family had cancer. The most we ever had was hypertension or anxiety. I had to set a record and go for the "Big-C."
What I didn't know was that the American Cancer Society sends you boxes and boxes of reading materials, stuffed hearts to keep your breasts from chaffing when using your seatbelt and a bunch of numbers that unfortunately are out of date.
I also didn't know how repelling a diagnosis of breast cancer is. Most of my "friends" ha better things to do that hang around with me...it was as if they thought breast cancer was contagious. My favorite reason given for no longer being around me was "I jus can't take the sight of how much pain you're and all the chemo and radiation you'll have to endure." Some friend, right?
I decided to have the radical double mastectomy. No sense in having only one breast. Take them both! It was no big del for me even though I had sported 38DD's my entire adult life. Oh well, it was either them or me! Snip! Snip!!
The chemotherapy was a lot worse because I went thru it all alone at approximately 3:15a.m. with no one around to style my newly bald head and wipe away my tears. But I got through it. Stiff upper lip and all that. I had hats, wigs and scarves at the ready so no one saw me as "Cue Ball." I can be blone, brunette or a redhead depending on my mood and luckily---I look pretty good as each though I'm partial to my long blond wigs.
I also have a beautiful set of boobies that are as real as the ones I lost. May no mistake, cancer treatment is hell. I have to take a hormone for the next ten years before I can be classified as "cured" and I plan to live each one of those ten years until God takes me Home.
Some treatments are harsh and some usually male oncologists are even harsher. While it's a job to some, it is another person's life work who take it upon themselves to practice the most sincere form of empathy. I thank God for each of them. They made it worth going through...as if I had choice.
I still have a while to go and a few more small mountains to climb but I'll be one of the millions of BREAST CANCER SURVIVORS in the world. JOYOUS LORD!!
Any questions or if you just want a new friend write me at
Dyane Lody
220 Monday Rd
Suite 6
Corryton, TN 37721
I hope to eventually use this blog as a question/answer forum with nothing off limits!
Praise God
Dyane Lody
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